Free guide for couples
The Conversations to Have Before You Have a Baby
Most couples prepare thoroughly for the birth and not at all for the relationship afterwards. The research is fairly blunt about which one is riskier: relationship satisfaction drops for the majority of couples in the first years of parenthood, and the couples who come through it well have usually had specific conversations in advance.
PDF · 16 pagesFree · no cost, everSumarie Engelbrecht
Sound familiar?
This is for you if
We are thinking about children and have not discussed what changes
I am pregnant and suddenly aware of everything we have not agreed on
We assume we want the same things and have never checked
I am worried about what this will do to us
We disagree about timing and cannot talk about it without tension
What actually happens to couples after a baby
The Gottmans' longitudinal work found that a substantial majority of couples experience a significant drop in relationship satisfaction in the first years after a first child. That is not a comment on those couples; it is what happens when sleep collapses, the division of labour becomes suddenly and unavoidably concrete, and two people who used to have time to repair small ruptures no longer do.
What distinguishes the minority who do not experience that drop is not luck, income or temperament so much as preparation and a small number of maintained habits. Which is genuinely good news, because it means it is largely addressable in advance.
The mental load is the conversation people skip
Most couples agree easily that they will share the work. Very few specify what the work is. And the part that goes unspecified is almost always the invisible part — noticing that nappies are running low, tracking the immunisation schedule, remembering that the childminder is away next week, holding the entire operational picture in your head at all times.
This load falls disproportionately on one partner in most households, usually without either of them having chosen it, and it is the most common source of the resentment that builds over the first two years. Naming it before it arrives and assigning specific ownership of specific domains is far more effective than trying to renegotiate it while exhausted.
Common questions
Questions people ask
It is realistic, and being aware of it is protective rather than pessimistic. Couples who expect the transition to be demanding and prepare accordingly tend to fare considerably better than those who assume it will be fine.
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A few sessions before a baby arrives does more for a couple than most of what is on the registry. Premarital and couples counselling both cover this ground.
This guide is for information and is not a substitute for individual counselling. Written by Sumarie Engelbrecht, HPCSA Registered Counsellor (PRC 0042480).