Free couples guide
When One of You Wants to Fix It and the Other Wants to Be Heard
One of you hears a problem and starts solving it. The other needs to talk it through before they know what they think. Both are reasonable. Together, without translation, they produce one partner feeling dismissed and the other feeling useless.
PDF · 15 pagesFree · no cost, everSumarie Engelbrecht
Sound familiar?
This is for you if
I just want to be listened to and I get given solutions
I try to help and somehow that is the wrong thing
One of us processes out loud and the other needs to go away and think
We have completely different speeds in a conversation
I feel like I am doing my best and it keeps landing badly
Two kinds of care that do not look like each other
When someone brings a difficulty to a problem-solver, the solving is not dismissal. It is the form their care takes: they have understood that you are in pain, and they are attempting to remove the source of it. Being told this is unhelpful is genuinely confusing, because from the inside it feels like the most useful thing available.
Equally, when someone talks a problem through at length without wanting any solution, they are not being inefficient. Processing out loud is how they arrive at what they think, and being handed an answer partway through cuts off the mechanism they were using. It also lands as a message that the feeling was an inconvenience to be resolved.
Neither person is doing anything wrong. They are running incompatible protocols and each concluding the other does not care.
The sentence that solves most of this
The intervention with by far the best return is stating your need at the start: "I want to think out loud for ten minutes, I do not need it solved", or "I would actually like your opinion on this one". It takes three seconds and removes almost the entire misunderstanding.
It feels artificial for about a fortnight. Then it becomes normal, and couples who adopt it consistently report that a whole category of argument simply stops happening. The other half of the habit matters too: the listener asking "do you want help with this or do you want me to listen?" rather than guessing.
Common questions
Questions people ask
It runs along that line often enough for the stereotype to exist, and there are plenty of couples where it runs the other way. The guide is written around the two styles rather than around gender, because assuming your role from your gender is a good way to misread yourself.
More free guides
Others that go with this one
Every download on the site opens with the same single email address — give it once and none of these will ask again.
Free couples exercise
What Are We Actually Fighting About?
The dishes are never about the dishes. A free guided exercise for mapping what is really underneath your arguments — and naming it out loud without blame.
Read moreFree Gottman-based couples tool
What to Say Mid-Argument to Stop It Escalating
Sixty-four Gottman-based repair phrases for use mid-argument — what to say when the conversation is breaking down and you cannot find the words.
Read moreFree couples exercise
Why We Keep Having the Same Argument
Most couples do not have fifty arguments — they have one or two on repeat. A free exercise for finding the structure underneath your conflicts.
Read moreKeep reading
Articles on the same ground
RelationshipsThese Unhealthy Communication Patterns Are Ruining Your Relationship
If you feel unheard in your relationship, argue over small things, or feel scared to communicate, unhealthy communication patterns may be the reason why.
Read article
IntimacyThe Essence of Emotional Intimacy and its Crucial Role in Relationships
When questioning intimacy, we often think of physical acts like coddling hands, kissing, or even sex. It is important to understand that intimacy is a crucial element of any…
Read article
RelationshipsConstant Conflict & Arguing in Romantic Relationships: Why It Happens and How to Heal
If you feel like you’re arguing every day with your partner, you’re not alone. Discover why constant conflict happens and how to rebuild connection.
Read articleWhen the translation keeps failing
Some of this is style, and some of it is an older hurt using style as its cover. Couples counselling is a reliable way to tell which one you are dealing with.
This guide is for information and is not a substitute for individual counselling. Written by Sumarie Engelbrecht, HPCSA Registered Counsellor (PRC 0042480).