Free guide for couples
Sexless Marriage: How Couples Get Here and How They Find a Way Back
Nobody decides to stop. It goes from a busy month to a difficult season to a year, and at some point the not-talking-about-it becomes heavier than the not-having-sex. You are not broken, you are not alone, and this is not something you have to accept.
PDF · 24 pagesFree · no cost, everSumarie Engelbrecht
Sound familiar?
This is for you if
We have not had sex in months and neither of us has said anything about it
It has been so long that starting again feels impossible
We are affectionate and close in every other way
I miss it and I do not know how to bring it up now
I am not sure whether my partner even notices
The problem is rarely the sex
By the time a couple describes themselves as sexless, the absence of sex is usually a symptom rather than the condition. Underneath it there is generally something else: unaddressed resentment, an injury that never got repaired, exhaustion that has gone on so long it has become the baseline, a health issue neither of you has wanted to name, or a slow retreat from all physical contact after too many awkward attempts.
This is why advice aimed directly at the sex — schedule it, try something new, book a weekend away — so often lands badly. It targets the visible layer while leaving the mechanism untouched, and when it does not work both partners conclude the situation is hopeless rather than that the intervention was aimed at the wrong thing.
Why the silence grows
There is a cruel arithmetic to this. At three weeks it is easy to mention. At three months it requires a conversation. At three years it feels like an accusation, a confession and a crisis all at once, so nobody starts it — and the not-starting becomes its own layer of hurt, because each partner reads the other's silence as indifference.
In most couples, both people are thinking about it regularly and each believes they are the only one. That discovery alone tends to change the temperature of the whole thing, which is why the guide puts the conversation before the intimacy work rather than after it.
Rebuilding is graded, not switched on
Couples who successfully come back from a long gap almost never do it by having sex. They do it by rebuilding the layers underneath — ordinary non-sexual touch first, then affection without expectation, then intimacy without a defined destination. Attempting the last step first is the most common way the process fails, because a single disappointing attempt after a long gap tends to set things back further than doing nothing.
The guide sets out a graded approach and, importantly, what to do when a step does not go well. It will not always go well, and having planned for that in advance is most of the difference between a setback and a stop.
Common questions
Questions people ask
The definition used in most research is fewer than about ten times a year, but the number is not really the point. If the amount of sex you are having is a source of distress for either of you, it is worth addressing, whatever the frequency.
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A counselling room is often the only place this gets said out loud for the first time — and saying it is usually the hardest part. Your first session is free.
This guide is for information and is not a substitute for individual counselling. Written by Sumarie Engelbrecht, HPCSA Registered Counsellor (PRC 0042480).