Free private worksheet
Is My Relationship Healthy?
This does not hand you a verdict and it does not tell you what to do. It lays out the spectrum honestly — what healthy actually looks like, the four patterns that predict serious trouble, and what emotional abuse and coercive control look like from the inside — and lets you locate yourself on it.
PDF · 8 pagesFree · no cost, everSumarie Engelbrecht
If you need support right now. If you feel unsafe with your partner, couples counselling is not the right first step and this worksheet is not a substitute for specialist support. These services are free, confidential and available now:
- GBV Command Centre — 0800 428 428, 24 hours. Dial *120*7867# for a free "please call me". Deaf and hard of hearing: SMS help to 31531.
- National GBV Helpline — 0800 150 150
- National Shelter Movement — 0800 001 005
- Childline — 116
- In immediate danger — SAPS on 10111
Sound familiar?
This is for you if
I do not know if what I am experiencing is normal or not
My friends seem concerned and I keep defending it
I feel like I am walking on eggshells in my own home
I have started keeping things from people so I do not have to explain
I need to see it written down somewhere that is not an argument
Written to inform rather than to judge
Most online material on this either reassures or alarms. This is deliberately neither. It sets out what the research associates with healthy relationships, what it associates with serious deterioration, and what constitutes abuse — and then leaves the conclusion with you.
That approach is intentional. People in troubled relationships are usually being told what to do by everyone around them, and being told again from a worksheet tends to produce defensiveness rather than clarity. Having accurate information privately, with no one waiting for a decision, is often what makes an honest assessment possible.
Contempt is the strongest single signal
Of Gottman's four patterns, contempt is the most reliable predictor of relationships ending — more than the frequency of conflict, more than the topics argued about. Contempt is criticism with superiority attached: mockery, sneering, eye-rolling, the tone that says you are beneath discussion.
It matters because it is the one couples most often normalise. Constant fighting registers as a problem; a habitual dismissive tone often does not, especially if it has been there for years. Yet it does more damage, and its presence is the clearest signal that something needs to change rather than settle.
Why intermittent kindness makes leaving harder
One of the least understood things about damaging relationships is that they are not uniformly bad. If they were, leaving would be simpler. The pattern that makes them hardest to leave is unpredictable alternation — periods of genuine warmth and connection between the difficult ones.
Intermittent reinforcement produces unusually strong attachment; it is the same schedule that makes gambling compelling. Combined with the hope that the good version is the real one and the difficult version an aberration, it explains a great deal about why people stay far longer than they later think they should have. If this describes you, it is not evidence of weak judgement.
Common questions
Questions people ask
Consistent contempt or dismissiveness, feeling you have to manage the other person's mood, walking on eggshells, losing contact with friends and family, having your account of events routinely denied, and financial or movement restrictions. Any of the last few point toward coercive control.
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Read articleWorking it out with someone who has no stake in the answer
Individual counselling is a good place to think about a relationship without anyone in the room needing you to reach a particular conclusion.
This guide is for information and is not a substitute for individual counselling. Written by Sumarie Engelbrecht, HPCSA Registered Counsellor (PRC 0042480).