Free guide for supporters · South Africa
How to Help Someone in an Abusive Relationship
You can see what is happening and they will not leave, and everything you have tried has pushed them further away. That is not because you are failing. Most of the instinctive responses — ultimatums, criticising the partner, pressing for a decision — are the ones that reliably backfire, and there are specific things that work instead.
PDF · 14 pagesFree · no cost, everSumarie Engelbrecht
If you need support right now. If the person you are worried about is in immediate danger, contact emergency services now. These South African services are free, confidential and available to both of you — you can call them yourself for advice on how to help:
- GBV Command Centre — 0800 428 428, 24 hours. Dial *120*7867# for a free "please call me". Deaf and hard of hearing: SMS help to 31531.
- National GBV Helpline — 0800 150 150
- National Shelter Movement — 0800 001 005
- Childline — 116
- In immediate danger — SAPS on 10111
Sound familiar?
This is for you if
I can see what is happening and they keep defending him
Every time I say something they pull further away from me
I gave an ultimatum and now they barely speak to me
They left and went back and I do not know how to keep supporting that
I am frightened for them and I do not know what to actually do
Why ultimatums do the opposite of what you intend
The instinctive response to watching someone you love being hurt is to press: to name it plainly, criticise the partner, and make your continued support conditional on them leaving. It is completely understandable, and it is close to the most counterproductive thing available.
Isolation is the primary tool of abuse. An abusive partner works, often over years, to make themselves the only remaining relationship — and typically does this by characterising the person's family and friends as hostile, controlling and unreasonable. An ultimatum from you confirms that account precisely, and reduces the number of people left when they eventually do need somewhere to go.
The alternative is harder and considerably more effective: stay available unconditionally, without requiring a decision. Your value is in remaining a door that is still open.
Leaving is the most dangerous point
This is the piece of information most supporters do not have, and it changes everything about how you should proceed. The risk of serious violence and homicide is at its highest around the point of separation and in the period immediately afterwards, because abuse is fundamentally about control and leaving represents its loss.
This does not mean staying is safer overall. It means that leaving needs planning — safety planning, ideally with a specialist organisation — rather than encouragement to walk out tonight. Pushing someone toward the door without that in place can genuinely increase the danger, which is why the guide is emphatic about connecting them to a service rather than managing it yourself.
Post-separation abuse
Supporters commonly expect that once someone has left, the situation resolves and support is no longer needed. In practice abuse frequently continues and sometimes intensifies after separation — through child contact arrangements, legal processes used as harassment, financial control, stalking, and campaigns to damage the person's reputation and remaining relationships.
Knowing this matters, because it is exactly the point at which most support falls away. Someone who has recently left often needs more from you than they did before, at the moment everyone around them has decided the crisis is over.
Common questions
Questions people ask
You generally cannot, and trying directly tends to backfire. What helps is staying connected without conditions, naming what you observe without attacking their partner, making practical support concrete, and connecting them to a specialist service when they are ready.
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