Free guide · maternal identity
Matrescence: There Is a Word for What Is Happening to You
You love your child and you do not recognise yourself. You grieve a person you used to be and feel monstrous for it. There is a word for this, it has been studied, and it is not a mental illness — it is matrescence, the developmental transition into motherhood, and almost nobody is told it exists.
PDF · 10 pagesFree · no cost, everSumarie Engelbrecht
If you need support right now. If you have persistent low mood, cannot sleep even when your baby does, or are having thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, please speak to a doctor or midwife now. SADAG runs a postnatal depression helpline on 0800 464 726, and emergency services are on 10111.
Sound familiar?
This is for you if
I love my baby and I miss my old life desperately
I do not know who I am any more
Everyone asks about the baby and nobody asks about me
I feel guilty for finding this as hard as I do
I keep wondering whether this is postnatal depression or just me
A developmental transition, not a disorder
The anthropologist Dana Raphael coined the term matrescence in the 1970s, deliberately paralleling adolescence. Both are periods of profound change across body, brain, identity, relationships and social role. We expect adolescence to be turbulent and difficult; we build entire frameworks around supporting it. We expect new mothers to be fine within weeks.
The framing matters enormously in practice. If you understand what you are experiencing as a major developmental transition, the difficulty is expected and the disorientation is on schedule. If you believe you should simply be adjusting, then the same experience becomes evidence that something is wrong with you — which is where a great deal of unnecessary shame comes from.
Your brain has physically changed
Neuroimaging studies have found substantial and long-lasting structural changes in the brains of women during pregnancy and after birth — reductions in grey matter volume in regions associated with social cognition, changes so consistent that researchers could identify who had been pregnant from scans alone. The changes persisted for at least two years.
This is not damage. It appears to be a refinement, sharpening responsiveness to an infant. But it does mean the sense that your mind is working differently is accurate rather than imagined, and it puts the memory lapses, the altered priorities and the strange emotional intensity in a different light entirely.
Ambivalence is normal and almost never said out loud
Maternal ambivalence — holding deep love and genuine resentment toward the same child at the same time — is well documented and close to universal. It is also one of the least speakable things in modern parenting culture, so most mothers experiencing it conclude they are uniquely defective.
It is not a sign of poor attachment or of impending harm. It is the ordinary result of a relationship that involves complete dependency, relentless demand and enormous personal cost alongside profound love. Naming it, in the guide and out loud, tends to be the single most relieving thing for the people who read this.
Common questions
Questions people ask
The developmental transition into motherhood — encompassing hormonal, neurological, identity, relational and social change. The term was coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael and deliberately parallels adolescence, which is a useful way to understand its scale and duration.
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Most mothers have nowhere to say the difficult half of this out loud. Counselling is online, private, and exactly that place — your first session is free.
This guide is for information and is not a substitute for individual counselling. Written by Sumarie Engelbrecht, HPCSA Registered Counsellor (PRC 0042480).